Heidi Montag Is NOT Plastic Fantastic

Heidi Montag mutilated her natural body so she could become the painfully plastic cartoon, fun-house mirror version of a woman we are visually accosted by today.

I’ve seen drag queens on amateur night in Kansas who look more natural. In the wake of fatal butt-implant mishaps, the draw of plastic surgery is scarily increasing among women (and men) in a staggering array of financial standings and age groups. While some sane folk wonder WHY anyone would willingly subject themselves to the painful recovery and inherent risks of cosmetic surgery, Heidi thinks it’s just SO funny to spoof her purchased plasticity that frightens even her own flesh-and-blood mother for a Funny or Die segment.

A Case for Chest Hair: Hank Azaria’s Bald Bod

While the rest of you pluck, wax, or (gasp!) shave down those heavenly hairs, I remain a devotee of hairy chests.

And though I may be in the unpopular minority in this debate, I submit for your consideration the case of Hank Azaria’s naked chest.

See the pic after the jump.

BREAKING NEWS: Sean Hayes is gay? REALLY?

The Advocate revealed Sean Hayes is gay.

Homos everywhere are reportedly stunned. Evidently, they had no idea.

The biggest question being asked: "What show was he on, and how many years ago was that?"

Dem John Kerry Wants to Poke the Gays

…With a needle, that is.

John Kerry, a onetime shoulda-woulda-coulda been presidential contender, is still serving his country as a senator, or something. He’s also using his position to move LGBT rights forward.

But crusading aside, those of you with power/politico fetishes: Does anyone else have a bit of a crush on Kerry?

He inspires a salute from my shorts, a la Kennedy and Clinton. Why?

Discount Dick: Playgirl Says Jon Gosselin Spread Worth Measly 20 G’s

Remember the weeks and months of sexy speculation and anticipation leading up to Bristol Palin’s baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, appearing in Playgirl?

Well, editors at the nudie mag say there’s one celeb who’s clocked considerably more screen time they’d be less inclined to feature prominently in their glossy pages. Jon Gosselin, formerly one tenth of Jon & Kate Plus 8, would be offered much less cash and little fanfare if he were to showcase the Ed Hardy in his pants, according to Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio.

“We discussed it, and we’d offer him only $20,000,” Nardicio tells Life & Style. What’s that break down to—roughly 10 grand per inch?

Lady Gaga Ensures Safe Sex Gets ‘Proper Attire’

Always interested in promoting the health of her beloved “little monsters” (fans), pop super star Lady Gaga is excited to partner with designer Jeremy Scott to create a line of chic, designer condoms.

The prophylactics will come in shocking shades from electric pink to animal print, with the options of studded, ribbed or sheer varieties. "It’s not complicated, just a fashion statement," Gaga said of the venture. "Everybody wrap it up with Jeremy Scott for Proper Attire condoms."

“Miss Beverly Hills” Lauren Ashley Believes Gays Should Be “Put to Death”

A 23-year-old California beauty pageant participant who claims to be Miss Beverly Hills 2010, Lauren Ashley is drawing comparisons to former Miss California Carrie Prejean for her harsh homophobic comments. As 365Gay.com puts it, : “What is it about beauty queens from California, and 1. Having dead eyes and 2. Hating the gays?”

Ashley told Fox News:

“The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman. In Leviticus it says, ‘If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.’ The Bible is pretty black and white. ... I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life.”

In an interesting turn of events, the hateful beauty queen’s comment sparked an immediate point of clarification from the California city Ashley claimed to represent. The Advocate reports, “Beverly Hills officials released a statement saying the city was shocked by Ashley’s position and by her supposed title as Miss Beverly Hills. The city ‘does not sponsor a beauty pageant and has no association with Miss California USA,’ the statement said.’As such, there should be no individual claiming the title of Miss Beverly Hills.” In fact, according to Beverly Hills officials, Ashley lives in Pasadena, Calif., and, therefore ‘does not represent Beverly Hills in any capacity.’

Johnny Weir: “Every Little Boy Should Be So Lucky”

Men's figure-skating favorite Johnny Weir continues to be at the forefront of controversy, even after being bested for a shot at a medal at the Vancouver Olympic Games.

After Weir finished fifth in the competition, two Canadian broadcasters, Claude Mailhot and Alain Goldberg of the RDS network, made derogatory comments about his flamboyant style.

The accomplished skater and new acquaintance of Lady Gaga sat down with ex-Olympian Dorothy Hamill to discuss the comments on Access Hollywood.

Weir said he knew medaling was something of a long shot at the 2010 games. "Not because I wasn't good enough,” he explained, “just that politically, no one was thinking of me that way.”

Virtual Love: 61% of Gay Couples Met Online

The most likely place to meet your mate is no longer the office; it’s the Internet — especially if you’re shopping for a same-sex love. A recent university study found 61% of gay and lesbian couple participants met their mate online.

The Stanford sociology study focused on couples who met and became involved in the last two years. Of the couples interviewed, 23% of hetero mates had met online, while lesbian and gay couples studied reported almost triple that percentage utilized online dating to find each other.

Ewan McGregor Doesn’t Think Homophobia Is Funny

Great Scot Ewan McGregor was a guest on Good Morning America to talk about his upcoming releases — Roman Polanski’s The Ghost Writer and I Love You Phillip Morris.

While McGregor seems taxed by GMA’s George Stephanopoulos throughout, he takes particular offense at Stephanopoulos’s casually homophobic snickering over a photo of McGregor kissing costar Jim Carrey after their French knighting ceremony.

"What is that about?" the GMA correspondent and former political adviser asked incredulously.

The increasingly turned-off McGregor replied blankly, "Well, that's just two men kissing,” and then struggled to comprehend the blatant small-mindedness of the supposed television professional. “It's, uh, in this age, in 2010,” he stammered, before continuing, “it's extraordinary that it's still an object of humor."